Trying to psyche out a holiday funk

Damn the holidays. Heading into my third holiday season as a widow, I’m still struggling to enjoy the traditions of Christmas and the celebration of a new year.
To add to my Yuletide anxiety this year are the memories of last year at this time when I was buzzing around trying to embrace the joys of the season. I keep remembering how I thought I was doing better than the previous year, thinking life was going to keep getting better — the worst was over. I was moving forward.
Boy was I clueless. Awaiting me around the corner was serious heart surgery, endless pain and a three-month disability from work. Several months later and I still have trouble grasping what I went through. Sometimes I stare at the gash on my chest and the red-purple incision scars that remain on my left leg and wonder how I survived all that and what the hell is next?
We are so vulnerable to catastrophe and often so unknowing. I feel broken by what happened to me — a lot of my bravado gone. Some days I carry around a sense of doom I never had before. I hesitate to make changes and am scheduling less travel. This is all so unlike me.
So I’m working on my attitude trying to be more positive about life in general. I’m shopping for gifts, slowing putting up decorations, gladly anticipating my daughter home from college for a month, glad I’m invited to a few holiday bashes, and trying not to dwell on the holidays past that seem so idyllic now.
Reading old journals, I see that life wasn’t perfect when I was married and often hectic and stressful. Sometimes Tom and I fought and disagreed about how the holidays should be spent. I didn’t have the freedom I have now to do what I want whenever I want. I need to stop romanticizing my old life and embrace my new one. Here’s to good health and happiness in the new year.

About Marti Benedetti

I'm a longtime writer and a widow. I want to share my thoughts and experiences of being single in my 50s and beyond after being married to the same man and raising kids for 28 years. It's not the journey I signed up for, but the one I'm living with. I hope I can offer up some thoughts, chuckles and comfort for those in a similar boat.
This entry was posted in comforts, single middle-age woman, Uncategorized, widow, widowhood and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Trying to psyche out a holiday funk

  1. Karen Mantyk says:

    I think whether you are suffering from a loss or just in general trying to make everything work for the holidays, the holidays just get you down. There is so much more to do which makes you even busier than your normal routine did and as a result you just start to feel overwhelmed and down. I realize the loss of Tom impacts that even more but I really think it is just the season in general that is getting to you. I hope I am right and after the new year you will start to feel more positive again. You really have come at lot further along than you realize and should be proud of yourself. xo

  2. Thanks, Karen. I hope you are right.

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