Widows’ choice: Twice divorced, never married or widowed?

By now, some might say I’m giving a little too much thought to this online dating stuff. I don’t want this to turn into a blog on dating; I think there is enough of those already. But at this stage of widowhood, I can’t help but explore it — mostly because it is there and where the hell else do you meet men at my age?

As is my nature, I’m investigating it — almost as an outsider. It is highly controllable and follows a routine. Maybe a guy emails a few times. He sends his phone number, and it is up to me to call. A telephone conversation reveals whether there is any connection, and it may or may not lead to a meeting. A meeting tells you both if you want it to go further.

One of my widow friends is in the same place. She had a five and a half year relationship that recently went south, which led her to the online world.

We talk about our experiences. We laugh and reassure each other that this is not easy and takes a surprising amount of energy. We compare notes; we wax about our good-guy husbands and how our former lives were so much better, richer.

We regret that the majority of these online prospects are divorced. Then we pose the question: which is the greater evil? Divorced – once, twice or three times – widowed — or never married? It is amusing fodder for our frivolous conversations. I seem to have run into twice-divorced more than I like. I try to be open-minded, but have engrained biases. We widows can be judgmental, thinking we are somehow better than the people who have botched marriages. We are not always nice.

I’ve gone out with a couple widowers, who, unfortunately, seem to have their own set of issues. However, even if there is zero chemistry, you feel more of a connection with a widower purely because you’ve been in a similar boat and can commiserate.

Finally, there’s the baffling world of the never marrieds. I’ve had a spate of interest from never marrieds. For some reason, I think online daters who have never married gravitate toward widows, though I have no Pew Center research to substantiate this. Frankly, if you had a long, fruitful marriage and raised kids, it is tough to relate to someone who has experienced neither.

Even though I have limited time talking to never marrieds, I think I’m done with that demographic. And the multiple-divorced guys recently have fallen a few notches on my ladder; they seem to hate the institution of marriage.

I know I shouldn’t make such pronouncements because you just never know what is going to work, and life just keeps surprising me.






About Marti Benedetti

I'm a longtime writer and a widow. I want to share my thoughts and experiences of being single in my 50s and beyond after being married to the same man and raising kids for 28 years. It's not the journey I signed up for, but the one I'm living with. I hope I can offer up some thoughts, chuckles and comfort for those in a similar boat.
This entry was posted in dating after widowhood, never married, online dating, widow dating, widowhood and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Widows’ choice: Twice divorced, never married or widowed?

  1. Karen Mantyk says:

    Marti: I know we already talked quite a bit about this but I was thinking about your dating situation afterwards. I know it is a tough task but don’t give up. I really feel if you want a relationshiip, one will come. It just might take a little longer than you thought it would. Keep the faith. xo Karen

  2. Jean says:

    We both lost your husbands in the same time frame and we seemed to be tracking the same with it comes to investigating online dating. I decided it’s not for me but then I’m older than you and I can accept the idea of just having a posse of lady friends to pal around, It’s SO common in the over 65 set. Never married guys and multiple-divorced guys usually come with a box full of issues. If you keep very active sooner or later you’ll find someone if that’s what you want.

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