Cry me a river

Before Tom died, I hardly ever cried. Even when he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, I didn’t cry much. He was crying a lot, and I felt had to be strong and positive, or he would have felt even worse. I tried to offset his crying by not crying. When I did cry, it was in my car, alone, when it was dark.

Now I’m a sap. I cry at the drop of a hat. I can be fine, and suddenly some small occurrence, a memory or song, and conversation will bring on the tears. I cry violently sometimes at home by myself – really let it rip. Yeah, cry me a river.

I don’t know if this is temporary or the new me. I have a feeling I will remain a crier moving forward. I’m still not real comfortable crying in front of others, but sometimes it comes over me and I can’t stop it. I always feel a little better after it happens.

When Tom was dying, some of our closest friends or family would cry in front of me. It almost made me mad, because I wouldn’t let myself cry freely. I was never a public crier.  But looking back, I wish I hadn’t been so stoic and wept openly instead of holding it inside, my throat tight, my heart aching.

I regret not crying with Tom in the early days of his illness when he walked around the house saying repeatedly that he loved me and was sorry — like this horrible illness, his nightmarish fate — was his fault. I wish I would have embraced him and cried hard.

I don’t have too much remorse about how I handled the year Tom was sick and died, but I wish I didn’t hold back the tears. I would have been better off for it.

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About Marti Benedetti

I'm a longtime writer and a widow. I want to share my thoughts and experiences of being single in my 50s and beyond after being married to the same man and raising kids for 28 years. It's not the journey I signed up for, but the one I'm living with. I hope I can offer up some thoughts, chuckles and comfort for those in a similar boat.
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3 Responses to Cry me a river

  1. Carol Johnston says:

    Dear Marti
    What a terrific writer you are! Reading this particular post made me want to cry. I have posted on my office bulletin board a picture called “Lumina Boat Ride Aug 13, 2010”. Remember that day? We were all so happy, laughing, joking “I can’t quit you Lumina”. Remember who said that? And then to read this. I wish I lived close and could see you more often and dispel some of your loneliness. Alas – all I can do is read your blog and provide words to comfort from afar. Let’s plan our next outing – maybe that will help. And yes – rumour has it that Spring is coming…
    Love Carol
    PS – loved the blog on the kids – you and Tom built 2 amazing ones!

  2. It’s been over four years since I lost my husband during neurosurgery and I think I cried almost every day for 3 of those years. It’s better now but the same things you mention, songs, memories and just a plan happening can turn the water works on in seconds. It’s just the way it is now and I don’t hide it because it is me.

  3. jennifer briggs gerst says:

    You would be surprised how much I think of you and pray for you.

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